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F is missing
Jan 02 ⎯ My problem with the work is that the fun is missing. I completely forgot that and immersed myself so deep into the work that I ignored not only that but most basic human needs. All because my monster brain needs some hobby to be entertained, it needs its toys. But it all started with fun. Programming the Commodore 64 to draw shapes was pure fun. Then creating websites and blogs, then creating apps for people's needs. The last time I had that kind of fun was 7 years ago. Still have fun, a different kind, but it's rare. Learning is fun, but exploring a new world by creating a product is something else. I think the problem starts when I called it "a product." I don't want to work on a product. I don't care about products. I need to find that fun again, to explore and to create.
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Zed's dead baby
Dec 24 ⎯ I just discovered leaflet and the AT protocol of bluesky. Very similar to what I described yesteray to have a small community of people reading and writing on open web without the influence of social media evil algorithms. But it striked me: the time for that is passed, we had a golden era and that was it. Trying to resurrecte that blogging experience is a deadend. If the need is still there then a new experience should be created. Something that we never experienced before.
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Do you write without readers?
Dec 23 ⎯ There are two sides to publishing platforms: writing and reading. There are things I like about writing in Fika. It has a proofreading feature, it is clean, and it is not bloated with useless features, and so on. In short, the first side, writing, is fine. The reader side is missing. I write these mostly for myself. I am not a professional writer, nor am I seriously seeking user interaction like in the blogging era, but there should be a difference between this and my private notebook. The bad solution today is social media. Everything from everyone is put into one endless feed, sorted by God knows what, and the purpose is to keep me there for as long as possible, as long as I am not bored. I can still randomly discover interesting souls, but everything is designed to make me scroll endlessly. It is too shallow. There are rare posts or ideas that go deep, either through self-writing or a good conversation. At the same time, I need a follow feature—to follow what people do. I like how Adam thinks; I am also interested in seeing what he is reading or writing. I like to know what people think about my post or idea. There should be a better way to create that cozy corner of the web for weirdos to talk and show what they think, and to be seen by like-minded people. This is not meant to be a huge social media platform, but rather a non-industrial, simple Twitter-like space for posts within small to medium-sized groups of people. And, obviously, it should be open on the internet for everyone to join.
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Creation queue and more on agency
Dec 22 ⎯ Speaking of different queues my brain uses to burn calories, I missed an important one: the creation queue. Creating something nonexistent, a code, a photograph, or a piece of writing. And one thing about this queue is different: it creates more leads/ideas than others. It's a self-inserting mechanism; the more time you spend here, the longer the queue gets with more items/ideas. Like the idea of queues generated when I started to write here, which then led to the agency idea because I was thinking which queue could generate more agency. So on the topic of agency, I have some ideas to answer how to reinforce it: Embrace being stuck. This is the sign you are at the end of the track; time to change. Instead of running from being stuck, run to it. Clear thinking. Get ideas out of the mind by writing or talking about them with your people. Break it down. Imagine a ruler and ask where am I. Then ask how to go from 3 to 4. Aspiration. Find people you admire. Study them. Some of this comes from here, and being stuck is an idea from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
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What is the origin of agency?
Dec 21 ⎯ What I admire in people is agency. The confidence to not accept the norm and have the courage to change. This is a different matter than confidence or self-doubt. Agency means you know this is not right and act on it. You know there should be a better way. You know you cannot wait for others to fix it. Along the way you have doubt, but not about the original "this is wrong," but about the methods and answers. You know you must start the change and you do it. The question is how can one improve agency? How can I buy it, like from a shelf of human capabilities at a supermarket?
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Sometimes a metaphor is better than washing the dishes
Dec 20 ⎯ My mental model of life has different queues. The conscious brain picks up and processes items from these queues, one at a time. The oldest queue consists of human relations that I didn't choose, mostly my parents. Ten percent of time is spent here. Ignoring this causes great depression. This is how I was raised. It is very unknown, very strong. Next are other people's worlds: art, books, movies, music, painting, and so on. This occupied more than 70 percent of my time before age 18. Now it is less than 10 percent. Next is human and animal relations that I choose. Around 20 percent. This is my safe place. It feels normal to have them, like air; I dread losing them. They are my mirror and anchor. Next is work. It should be around 50 percent of my time. It is a love-hate relation. Next is physical activity, mostly running. Less than 5 percent. And the last one is the queue of the void: things to do nothing, social media junk, news garbage, and similar useless information. It should be around 15 percent. To enjoy any items in the queues I need to stay there for a while. The brain transforms to a spoon when picking from the work queue, then to chopsticks when picking from other worlds, then to a fork when it goes to relations. Picking relations with the work brain is a mistake. Switching back and forth between them causes anxiety. Think about this: I am blind to other queues; how are queues created?
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If you don't change, your art won't
Dec 19 ⎯ I see Bill Hader's transformation as the creator in Barry. He started with a rare combination of good storytelling, spot-on casting, visual shots that serve the story rather than decorate it, and seamless directing. Everything was a perfect 10 for what you expect from an HBO dark comedy. The show was his first project directing, producing, and writing. He was creating his first serious TV show. Then Covid happened; the show was delayed for two years, and something changed in him. He rewrote the last two seasons and directed most of them himself. Somehow after two seasons and whatever happened during COVID, he gained the confidence and passed the line of proving his ideas to others or directors who directed many episodes in the first two seasons. What I saw was the pure confidence of a creator following his thoughts into a new era. I probably don't enjoy it that much if it was like that from the beginning. Probably for me, a creation is not about itself but about the creator's story. That level of confidence to produce that, I envy.
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Washing my thoughts
Dec 18 ⎯ I decided to write every day. Disposable posts. I think it helps to think more clearly. The thing I really enjoy is washing the dishes by hand. From the dirty mess of a sink full of unsorted mix of plates, glasses, cups, and so on, to the clean state of sorted objects shining atop each other. Writing feels like that sometimes. Washing machines are like AI assistants; they do your job much better. You have time to do other things. But thoughts are not organized by sitting on the couch and thinking about them. They bubble and bubble until your head is full. I need to tie the sink to my brain sometimes.
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Work life addiction
Dec 17 ⎯ Addiction is a negative behavior. Generally, some forms of it are very shameful in today's culture, such as drug addiction. What is an addiction? It is the inability to stop doing something. Sometimes it can be so powerful that you lose your most valuable asset because you cannot stop. So, it is like a very powerful movement. Once you are on it, you cannot jump off. Working all the time is a similar behavior. It gives so much dopamine that life without it is dull. But society does not view it as badly as drug addiction. Because you create value through work, a kind of value that is impossible to achieve through normal work. Both sacrifice something to achieve something abnormal. My dad is a work addict. I was angry at him secretly. He lost me. Now I think about the value of normal family life that he was supposed to maintain to avoid achieving so much in his life. I cannot do the same; I care about others, or probably to put it better, I care because I did not want to be him. Now everything has changed. He thinks he did wrong, and I think he did right.
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Work skills are life skills?
Dec 16 ⎯ At my job, you get better when you feel the pain of frustration. To reach the next level, you need to spend hours in self-doubt and mental fights. Seeking new challenges is not voluntary, but you recognize them when you see them. When you face them and do not escape, that is the start of the battle. One of thousands. Never-ending battles in different phases of work. At the end of each, you feel yourself getting stronger. In contrast, a good, typical life is one without major challenges. You have your secure, quiet place to stay and live. There are everyday challenges, but you do not actively expect or welcome them. They are temporary challenges that you need to take care of because you are an adult. In work, “makes you better” means you are getting better at what you do. You do the job better. You spend more on what matters and get more things done with less effort. That is why you need the everyday battle. The battle teaches you how things work deeply and after the battle teaches you what matters. Then, do I need the battles in my life also?
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Walk the world
Dec 13 ⎯ This is interesting, 27 years to walk the world. They teach me envying is not a good sensation. But I heard it can be good because it shows you what you wanted to do and never did it or failed it. Finding peaces of puzzles, you can start to explore what is important to you. Do I want to walk the world? Maybe I just don't want a normal life.
