Goldfish

Infinite pain

In Only Lovers Left Alive, there is a scene where Eva needs to leave. She started to pack books into her tiny suitcase, and before everything, she picked Infinite Jest. I never read it, and I knew I have to read it. Years later M gave me the first chapter of Infinite Jest. He decided to translate it, and this was his first attempt. I was honored and happy that he chose me to read it. But I couldn'…

Recent posts

F is missing

Jan 02

My problem with the work is that the fun is missing. I completely forgot that and immersed myself so deep into the work that I ignored not only that but most basic human needs. All because my monster brain needs some hobby to be entertained, it needs its toys. But it all started with fun. Programming the Commodore 64 to draw shapes was pure fun. Then creating websites and blogs, then creating app…
Zed's dead baby

Dec 24

I just discovered leaflet and the AT protocol of bluesky. Very similar to what I described yesteray to have a small community of people reading and writing on open web without the influence of social media evil algorithms. But it striked me: the time for that is passed, we had a golden era and that was it. Trying to resurrecte that blogging experience is a deadend. If the need is still there then …
Do you write without readers?

Dec 23 ⎯ ❤️2

There are two sides to publishing platforms: writing and reading. There are things I like about writing in Fika. It has a proofreading feature, it is clean, and it is not bloated with useless features, and so on. In short, the first side, writing, is fine. The reader side is missing. I write these mostly for myself. I am not a professional writer, nor am I seriously seeking user interaction like i…
Creation queue and more on agency

Dec 22

Speaking of different queues my brain uses to burn calories, I missed an important one: the creation queue. Creating something nonexistent, a code, a photograph, or a piece of writing. And one thing about this queue is different: it creates more leads/ideas than others. It's a self-inserting mechanism; the more time you spend here, the longer the queue gets with more items/ideas. Like the idea of …
What is the origin of agency?

Dec 21

What I admire in people is agency. The confidence to not accept the norm and have the courage to change. This is a different matter than confidence or self-doubt. Agency means you know this is not right and act on it. You know there should be a better way. You know you cannot wait for others to fix it. Along the way you have doubt, but not about the original "this is wrong," but about the methods …
Sometimes a metaphor is better than washing the dishes

Dec 20

My mental model of life has different queues. The conscious brain picks up and processes items from these queues, one at a time. The oldest queue consists of human relations that I didn't choose, mostly my parents. Ten percent of time is spent here. Ignoring this causes great depression. This is how I was raised. It is very unknown, very strong. Next are other people's worlds: art, books, movies, …
If you don't change, your art won't

Dec 19

I see Bill Hader's transformation as the creator in Barry. He started with a rare combination of good storytelling, spot-on casting, visual shots that serve the story rather than decorate it, and seamless directing. Everything was a perfect 10 for what you expect from an HBO dark comedy. The show was his first project directing, producing, and writing. He was creating his first serious TV show. …
Washing my thoughts

Dec 18

I decided to write every day. Disposable posts. I think it helps to think more clearly. The thing I really enjoy is washing the dishes by hand. From the dirty mess of a sink full of unsorted mix of plates, glasses, cups, and so on, to the clean state of sorted objects shining atop each other. Writing feels like that sometimes. Washing machines are like AI assistants; they do your job much better.…
Work life addiction

Dec 17

Addiction is a negative behavior. Generally, some forms of it are very shameful in today's culture, such as drug addiction. What is an addiction? It is the inability to stop doing something. Sometimes it can be so powerful that you lose your most valuable asset because you cannot stop. So, it is like a very powerful movement. Once you are on it, you cannot jump off. Working all the time is a simil…
Work skills are life skills?

Dec 16

At my job, you get better when you feel the pain of frustration. To reach the next level, you need to spend hours in self-doubt and mental fights. Seeking new challenges is not voluntary, but you recognize them when you see them. When you face them and do not escape, that is the start of the battle. One of thousands. Never-ending battles in different phases of work. At the end of each, you feel yo…
Walk the world

Dec 13

This is interesting, 27 years to walk the world. They teach me envying is not a good sensation. But I heard it can be good because it shows you what you wanted to do and never did it or failed it. Finding peaces of puzzles, you can start to explore what is important to you. Do I want to walk the world? Maybe I just don't want a normal life.